homeless

warning: this post is kind of emo.

i feel like i dont have a home anymore. ive been feeling kind of lost and lonely the last few days. my instinct was to go home, to Michigan, where i seem to find stable ground. but i am becoming more and more aware that home isnt what it used to be. some many friends have scattered accross the country that last time i was home in July, i ran out of people to visit. its not the same home it once was.

when i first moved out here, visits back were overwhelming. i had so many friends and family to see i barely slept. i was inundated with love. now there are still people who live there and i certainly would have a good time, but it isnt what it once was. friends and family have peeled away to other parts of the country, kind of like me. and i still lack a solid base of friends here. i mean i have my brother and sister in law and the cousins, as i call them, and chris, who are all great, but i think what i miss is being able to go to a party and know everyone. to have bryan call me up and say hes having a party and i could show up and be surrounded with people i know.

that world seems to be gone. i dont know many people, and few very well around here. i threw a party saturday and got too drunk to enjoy it. i dont really know who showed up after like 10pm. i did some car bombs after i had been drinking since 3pm, and the next thing i knew i woke up at like 5 am. i dont know what happened, but evidently i passed out early. i was hoping it would be like the days of old, when i had a house full of friends around. might have been. but i dont know.

and that whole thing with blacking out a bit and waking up not knowing what happened and with a pounding head made me feel rather lonely. i was wishing that i had a girl to take care of me when i acted like and idiot. that would be really comforting. and i would be happy to do the same for her.

so rather than solidifying friendships at my party i made a fool of myself, passed out early, woke up lonely, and find myself feeling like an outsider, wishing i could go home where the world makes sense, and not knowing where that is. so i feel homeless, bumbling around, hoping to find something of comfort, wanting to go somewhere and not knowing where, not feeling like i belong anywhere. im and outsider looking in.

still things could me much worse
natural disasters
on the evening news
i still have my health(more or less)
my paycheck in the mail.

so ill look on the bright side. im going to see the cold war kids next saturday, the hard lessons the following week, a halloween party after that, then up to NYC to see laura, one of my oldest and best friends. you know, i probably shouldnt complain. something seems missing, as trite as it sounds.